Why do we struggle to ask for what we want and enforce those boundaries? EP275

What if setting boundaries and articulating your needs could be the key to unlocking a more fulfilling and joyful life? Join us for an enlightening conversation on the Mindset & Action podcast as we sit down with the remarkable Vivienne Joy to unravel the intricacies of boundary-setting and self-expression, especially from a woman's perspective. We share personal anecdotes, such as the challenges of maintaining technical standards with podcast guests, to highlight the often-overlooked discomfort that stems from childhood conditioning and the fear of rejection. Together, we explore transformative strategies to reframe our desires positively, fostering a mindset that guides us towards the outcomes we truly seek and enhancing our communication efficacy.

In another compelling segment, we dissect the mental and emotional hurdles that women in leadership face amidst societal expectations and personal stress. The relentless pursuit of perfection, often dubbed the "Wonder Woman Syndrome," can trap women in a perpetual cycle of stress, leading to an avoidance of confrontation and a tendency to please others at their own expense. Through an insightful dialogue, we examine how this impacts self-worth and morale both personally and professionally, and underscore the vital role of inner empowerment. Tune in to discover practical strategies for personal growth and empowerment, straight from our discussion with Vivian Joy, and unlock the power of transformation in your own life.

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Chapters

• 0:00 Setting Boundaries and Asking for Needs
• 9:15 Navigating Self-Reflection and Empowerment

Transcript

Donna Eade: 0:30

You're listening to the Mindset in Action podcast, the place to be to grow and streamline your business. I'm your host, donna Eade. Let's jump into the show. Welcome back to the podcast. Everybody Happy to have you here for another mini Mindset Monday with the lovely Vivian Joy. Welcome to the show.

Donna Eade: 0:57

Today we are going to be talking about something that I think it's actually a really well. I always think everything that we talk about is really important, but this one is something that I think is often a female-led fault that we have where we just don't seem to be able to ask for what we want. You know and I know, I know Viv is definitely going to be talking about people pleasing in this episode. I've I've not been coaching with her for this long to not know that. That is going to be one of the things that comes out of this. But what I'm particularly.

Donna Eade: 1:27

I'm thinking about this in terms of when you ask for what you want, you put it out there and then somebody doesn't deliver on that and you have to then reinstate those boundaries and ask for what you want, because this is something that I struggle with. I will ask people to set themselves up in a certain way when they come on my podcast so that we can be matched on sound, and the number of people that don't do it drives me insane. And when I come to then having to ask them again because of certain things, like you know, maybe there is something they've got of noise in the background that I can hear. I need them to plug in their headphones or something, I feel this like, oh, I can't, I can't ask, ask them. I can't ask them again because I already asked them. So I feel a way about it.

Vivienne Joy: 2:17

So, viv, talk to us about asking for what we want and potentially having to enforce those boundaries with people well, number one me here thinking, dude, if I set up what I should have done and I've got things plugged in as a shed, is Donna secretly hating on me? No, I mean, that's a different subject than I actually was thinking you were asking me about. But yeah, um. Well, it comes down to years of conditioning, and this is all about preconditioning. Years of conditioning of asking for what we wanted mum, can I have this, dad can I have this? Or friends, do you want to come over? Why don't you come to my party, where then we didn't get what we wanted?

Vivienne Joy: 2:52

So, consequently, when we have that rejection which you know, rejection, dysmorphia is real, especially for a lot of people they're really, really scared of it. They really think that everything is rejection. So, actually, maybe that donna eads little self, should we say smaller, younger version believes that actually somebody not wearing their headset or doing what she wanted is them saying you're not worth it. That's probably what is going on in your head. So unconsciously by the way, you're not conscious thinking, oh, they don't value me, but unconsciously, that's probably what's going on in your head. So this is all about value sets which, of course, are created from a very young age and that's what we take forward. They come from our parents, they come from our experience, our friends, family, whatever we've gone on in our life. But we are typically scared of a response.

Vivienne Joy: 3:39

So I want to start with the asking for what you want from coming to yourself, because there's two different ways of doing this the inner self, asking what you want, what you want. So this is really about mindset. So, for example, I could say, oh, what I want to do is lose weight. Ok, so it's quite a common one in my world. Daily, minutely, sometimes. Actually, I want to lose weight. The brain will only hear some of the words. It'll hear lose and weight, and the brain never wants to lose anything. And then it hears weight, which means stop. So anybody that's trying to lose weight, that phrase is probably the worst phrase you could ever have in your brain. I want to feel slimmer, be slimmer, more active, lighter, whatever. The thing we do want is so. This is in NLP. We call it moving towards and away from.

Vivienne Joy: 4:22

So 80% of people's brains are conditioned to move away from what they don't want, which is why we're always thinking about what we don't want. But the problem is we think about what we don't want and then we bring about what we don't want because we're thinking what we focus on grows You'll hear me say that a lot Whereas if we can switch our brains, so this comes from inside of us, so forget anybody else before we even get to that stage. If we can get used to asking what we want the outcome to be in a positive frame, then life becomes far more joyful. I'd really like a hug right now, rather than nobody loves me, do you understand? Oh, I'd really like you to come up with the earphones, because it's really important for me. Rather, oh, it's going to cause me a problem if you don't have the earphones. So it's very much from the positive, not the negative. So that's number one.

Vivienne Joy: 5:07

Um, the reason we don't do this, though, and the reason is because we're always looking for problems the brain. That's why we want to move away from things, because we're always looking for problems when things are brilliant and alive. We don't have to focus on them. Doing so when we're in a loving relationship, got businesses going well, friendships are fabulous, health feels good. We don't focus on the power and the positive. We focus on yeah, but yeah, but this is going wrong, and that person said that, and I felt this and then that happened and my dad died at that age. Maybe I will.

Vivienne Joy: 5:35

We've got a whole load of stuff that we are working out in our head and that creates all sorts of thought processes where we didn't really speak our feelings. It's not even about asking what we want. It's about talking about who we are asking for what we want. They might have a different value set to us. So in your experience there, the podcast is literally the most important thing for you. For a business owner including me, I hate to tell you not the most important thing for me, unless I'm in business building mode in a big way, then it would become probably more important. So for you, sound quality essential, for me not so much you. Editing brilliant Me never done it.

Vivienne Joy: 6:12

So, there's a big difference. So this is about a mismatch of value sets. Me for you, you, it's important, they're on time for me too. So we've got a matched value set there, so we're on time, whereas you could sit for 10 minutes waiting for somebody, and in your head, that person is being rude. They're just disrespectful. How come they can leave you waiting? Your time's as important as theirs. There'll be all this sort of self-talk. I feel quite sure for you as well, knowing you as I do, donna that that's important. Their value set is oh, one of the kids was sick, I had to go and clean up, and then I had to take my sister to the vets, and there's a whole load of other stuff going on, and that is their value. Their value isn't coming to your podcast on time, so we have a mismatch of value sets.

Vivienne Joy: 7:01

Now, then, the final crux of all this, though, is the fight flight, freeze, fawn response. So you talked about people pleasing, and you were very right. I absolutely am talking about it Because the fawning part I hate that phrase, because I quite like, please, like, freeze and please sit together in mind, because it's all about people pleasing. So these are the fear states. So when we are scared of anything. We'll go into one of these fear states and immediately we can go into all four almost simultaneously. I can literally tap on, but we've usually got a favoured one and for many women, dare I say, the pleasing or the fawning is the most easy one to do, because it also looks like they're a jolly nice person, which of course, we all remember. We said everybody wants to be liked. So we've got the active fear states, which is fight and flight. So we're running, I'm out of here. Thank you, no thanks. Fight. How dare you be late, how dare you say that? So I'm just thinking about your podcast example. So they're the active states usually my preferred one, by the way states usually my preferred one, by the way. And then we've got the inactive fear states, which are the freeze ie.

Vivienne Joy: 8:03

That's where people are stuck and not doing anything. I'll just sit here likea deer with you know, rub it in the headlights and nothing will hurt me. Obviously, not true? Or the please. Actually, I'll just do everything I can to make them like me, because I can't get an adverse response when I'm being so nice, overtly nice. So it is a fear response. A lot of people are thinking oh no, I'm just being really good, I'm just helping everybody out.

Vivienne Joy: 8:26

No, actually, what you're doing is you're scared of rejection, you're scared of not being liked, you're scared of speaking your own value, you're scared of asking for what you want, because if we ask for what we want and we don't get it, we can't deal with it. Our ego can't deal with that, because we'll make it mean a whole load of stuff. So if this is going on for you and Donna, it sounds like it is on this example for you, the first question when, actually, when you don't, when you do ask for what you want, because all you need to do is get in the habit of asking for what you do want in your own head and outside of yourself. And if you do ask for what you want and you don't get it, and you've got to get good at asking it I would like is quite a good way of starting this. I would like x, please.

Vivienne Joy: 9:03

I would like it if you did this. I would like it if you said this. I would like it if you came on time and somebody doesn't as a key question that I teach to all my coaches, which is what am I making this mean? What am I making this mean? So you know the person that doesn't come with the right equipment. What are you making that mean? Because you're going to make that behavior of theirs mean something, whereas it probably doesn't mean that at all, but your head will. So what am I making this mean? That's your first question and you can journal on it, whatever the experience is. And the next one is what am I making this mean about me? Because actually you're making it mean something about you, because it's all about you in your world and it's not all about you in their world yeah, yeah, I get it, and it's interesting because obviously I've got these uh test results.

Donna Eade: 9:48

A little while back and my therapist that I'm working with, she basically said your body is stuck in fight or flight and has been for a very long time, and that is why the results basically, she said I I in paraphrasing her this is not how she said it to me, but how I sort of interpreted it was I don't know how you managed to get out of bed in the morning with the results that you've got.

Donna Eade: 10:15

I would tell you it's a woman that's unable to get out of bed in the morning, that she's not really good at holding down a job, that she's not doing this, that she's like X, y and Z, and that's not you. You're out here running a business, you've got a job, you're exercising regularly, like this is stuck in flight or fight, and I've been doing it for so long that I've done. I've just got a really good mask on and my body has adapted to the stress as a new normal, and so when you're talking about the fight or flight response being the active states, I'm like, yeah, I get that completely it's exhausting.

Vivienne Joy: 11:04

Yeah, I was talking to a woman a couple of weeks ago at an awards ceremony I was at and she was saying about a survey that they were doing from from the company she's at, and they were saying that 80% of women in um any kind of management, leadership role or have their own business. Uh, I've got 80%, 80% more uh, neurological conditions than anyone else in the world. This is like I call it, wonder woman syndrome. Um, you've seen my wonder woman mug, I'm sure. Like we have to do everything, be everything, be mum, be everything.

Vivienne Joy: 11:38

I mean I haven't got any children, but I'm still a dog mum and we've got to be successful and we've got to be slim and we've got to be fit and we've got to be sexy and we've got to be lovable. We've got to be lovable, we've got to be friendly, we've got to remember. I mean it's literally exhausting. Like we've got all these high expectations of ourselves Not really usually from anyone else, but yeah, that will cause that it becomes normal. So I'm sorry. And you know why we eat chocolate. A lot of women eat chocolate because it gives us dopamine hit Like it's the easiest, quickest, cheapest, most acceptable way. You know there's no when you live with a woman, it's like she's on a period. Let's throw some chocolate, chocolate or wine, let's go um, because that's the way of getting those, those chemicals we need.

Donna Eade: 12:16

So, yeah, yeah, and I think that is that is why, and, and just sort of making that comparison what this conversation has made me realize is perhaps that is why that I tend to be the people pleaser in everything else, because I'm so exhausted with everything, with the fact that I'm stuck in fight or flight for everything else, that when it comes to that, I just don't want the confrontation, I just want the easiest route, please, because my body just can't handle it. And yeah, internally, that's what I'm thinking. So, yeah, you haven't got it in you.

Vivienne Joy: 12:45

You've existed, absolutely haven't got time to fight it. You know, in companies I used to do a lot in corporate and I've also managed big teams and you know when people have been constructively dismissed they very rarely take anyone to court because they just haven't got it in them. They don't all of their levels are so low, their self-worth is so low, their confidence is so low and that's of course the company's objective that they're not going to take anything further. So I used to get quite annoyed about that um, but it's, having been there and been made redundant three times, it is exhausting going through that process. It's the same with the relationship breakups. So people don't ask for what they want.

Vivienne Joy: 13:19

You know, going into different levels of not asking for what you want, not asking for custody of children in correct way, financial support from either party this is not just about women, this is men as well.

Vivienne Joy: 13:28

I've got one of my friends and he's going through a breakup and there's all sorts of shitstorm really in the finances that are going on there that when we're in a low moral state low morale, low moral they're the same things. So morale is lower, morals are lower, all our beliefs and values are not being enforced, then we get even worse, because then we think we're not worth anything, because we're not living even by our own value, let alone getting being valued by anybody else. So, yeah, it's a it's not a good situation. That's where empowerment comes in. The real version of it not you see, everywhere, but the real one is coming from the inside out, where you go. Do you know what I am actually worth? This it's me inside of me, deciding inside of me to feel and be, and ask for what I want, do things differently and become a different version of myself.

Donna Eade: 14:14

Yeah, really really important. And, like I say, guys, these 10 minutes sometimes just slightly over 10 minutes, but these 10 minutes are just like scratching the surface on these topics. They're such big topics that you could dive really deep in, and especially if it's something that is like triggering you in your head to go oh, that's me. That's something that I struggle with, and asking for what you want is such an important skill to have, but there is so much to it underneath that know it's not as simple as just going well, I'm just going to do it. It just doesn't work like that. So that's why we need people like Viv. So make sure that you head over to the show notes, connect with Viv everywhere, make sure you join her group, get on a networking event and get into Viv's world. Ask me what?

Vivienne Joy: 15:03

you want and ask me what you want. Ask me what you want and need, very what you want. Ask me what you want to need. Very often, even people book a call and I don't really know. I think we're this is just as a final word sometimes we don't even know what we want. We don't know what we need, we just know we need something. It's a really odd feeling. I met a woman at the weekend. She says oh, I've been really wanting to book a call with you, but I'm terrified. I'm like terrified of what look at me gosh uh, terrified of me, scott.

Vivienne Joy: 15:27

I mean, yes, I mean understand it, but no, she says I'm terrified of what's really going on. I don't know what I need, I don't know what it is, I don't know what's causing it, I don't know why I feel this way. You know, I don't know if it's my relationship, my job, my whatever, um, so yeah, we don't know what we want.

Donna Eade: 15:42

Quite a lot of time, therefore we could be scared of those answers as well. When it comes to that kind of thing, it's like it can open up a whole can of worms, but that's why we have coaches and therapists and things like that to help us go through those kind of big, scary moments. So yeah, all this stuff is in the comments, in the show notes, as per usual. So make sure you go and connect and we will see you in the next one. Bye for now.