Confronting the Self-Saboteur Within: A Guide to Overcoming Internal Roadblocks with Mindset Expert Viv Joy |EP231

Have you ever caught yourself undermining your own success, almost as though you're fighting against your own best interests? We've all been there, and that's precisely why Vivienne Joy joined me to unravel the complexities of self-sabotage in our Mindset Monday segment. This isn't your run-of-the-mill pep talk about overcoming your inner critic. Viv, with her brilliant mind, helps us reframe the typical "why" into a more insightful "what" – what's behind our tendency to be our own worst enemy, and what hidden need for safety are we trying to satisfy?

During our heart-to-heart, I confess my own struggles with deciding the direction of my podcast – a real-life tale of self-sabotage in action. Viv's perspective is enlightening, as she elaborates on how our self-perception often falls short of the high regard others hold us in. If you've ever battled with the notion that tooting your own horn is somehow wrong, this episode is a must-listen. We tackle these internal battles head-on, offering new viewpoints on self-worth and strategies to steer through the treacherous currents of self-inflicted roadblocks. Join us for an episode that's as much a cosy chat as it is a transformative discussion, and walk away with a fresh outlook on confronting the self-saboteur within.

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Transcript

Speaker 1: 0:30

You're listening to the Mindset in Action podcast, the place to be to grow and streamline your business. I'm your host, donna Eade. Let's jump into the show. Welcome back to the podcast, everybody. I am so excited to have you here for this mini Mindset Monday. I have the fabulous Viv in the house. Welcome, viv, hello lovely, so much fun to have you here and, like this little co-host situation, I'm loving it. Okay. So today, guys, for our mini mindset Monday, we are talking about self-sabotage. Hands up if you have ever felt like you have sabotaged yourself out of something. Yes, me too. So this is a completely selfish question for Viv. Today, viv, why do we self-sabotage?

Speaker 2: 1:21

Oh, lovely. Now I just want to reframe your question. To start with, you know why? Because the word why messes English language up completely. Because as soon as we ask ourselves why we go, I don't know, it's the immediate answer why do I do this? I don't know? Why do you feel that I don't know? It's an instant thing. You ask it to a child so we can replace the word why with what is making us self-sabotage or what is the purpose. So that's the first thing.

Speaker 2: 1:45

If you're listening to this, I want you to ask yourself switch your why out and put a different word in its place. So what is making me self-sabotage? What is the purpose of self-sabotaging? And I can tell you the answer. The purpose of self-sabotaging always is to stay safe, always, always, always. So your better question is what do I need to stay safe about right now? What is making me feel that I'm unsafe about this? So these are different coaching questions, ok, so this is the difference between what you're asking yourself, and this is a lovely example of it Thank you for bringing it here of how you can get different answers. So give me an example, donna, of the sort of things that you might self-sabotage around.

Speaker 1: 2:26

OK, I can use a very good one, you know. So I was in a coaching session not long ago and I was asked by my coach you know why isn't your podcast about podcasting? And I kicked up a right hissy fit about it and I didn't want to do that because I love my podcast the way it is. And I did get over it because now I have two podcasts and that was my way of getting around it. But yeah, I definitely didn't want to do what you told me to do.

Speaker 2: 2:56

I didn't tell you, I just asked you a question, right? That's the power of coaching rather than mentoring. Ok, because of course it made sense to me, because I'm outside of you, so I can understand what's going on better than you. That's why someone can randomly say something and you go oh my God, that's genius, why didn't I think of that? Because they got, they've got all your feelings. So here's your next clue of self-sabotage is our own self-image, our own self-feeling, our own self-value and self-worth. People outside of you think you're way better at podcasting than you think you are. Donna, I can absolutely tell you that. I know I hear people raving about you all over the place, but you're like oh, shall I, could I? I don't know. Okay, and that's normal, that's nothing. There's not not a derogatory comment about you. We're all the same, unless we are complete sociopaths or psychopaths, and then we think that we're god. So of course, that's a slightly different thing.

Speaker 2: 3:41

I know a few of those but actually it's how we feel about ourselves. That's why how somebody else feels about us, testimonials and referrals all that kind of thing is much easier for business development than us blowing our own trumpet. Number one we're told not to. We're told not to say anything good about ourselves. So that sits there. But the self-sabotage thing is really powerful because it comes from typically. I'll do a whole training on this. In fact, I've got a free one on my website if you want to go and see it.

Speaker 2: 4:06

I call it the self-harm cycle, which is a bit of heavy hitting because it's not like you're cutting your own wrist, but you are metaphorically emotionally. When you're cutting your own wrist, but you are metaphorically emotionally. When you're self-sabotaging, what you're saying is I'm not worth this, I'm not good enough to achieve this. No one will think I am. This is the kind of stuff that's going on in the head. But what typically is the main cause of self-sabotage is overwhelm, which is created by too many expectations of yourself. So if you think about this, if you'd have said to yourself actually in the next 12 months I'm going to start a podcast about podcasting, it would have been slightly less overwhelming and you would have probably slightly less self sabotage. I'm not saying you did on this occasion, by the way, because, well, you see me every month but actually what happens is people think they've got to do everything Now. There's a competition for it. They need the money, they need the prestige, they need something. So everybody's in such a hurry to do everything, so we put really unrealistic expectations. The best version of this I can give you is dieting. I'm going to a wedding in 21 days and I woke up this morning and thought how can I lose a stone in 21 days? Now, if you speak to anybody that's all about you know consistent weight loss I say that is not the right attitude. But that's all about you know consistent weight loss. So that is not the right attitude. But that's what my brain did and what my brain was saying you're not going to look nice if you don't lose any weight. My brain was telling me all sorts of things, in fact, and if I allowed, it would probably say don't go to the wedding because you're too fat. That is what my brain would eventually tell me to do. So we've got this script that runs all the time. So we need to intercept the script, understand what we are putting on ourselves.

Speaker 2: 5:34

So self-sabotage typically comes when we're expecting way too much, typically comes from I don't know having over-performing siblings, parents that expected too much or they didn't, and we expect more from ourselves. But it usually is an internal kind of ecosystem. I tell you that. You know I put a lot of pressure on myself. My wife says to me all the time no one is making you do that, and I know I am. I am my own stressor, I'm my own person that is making me do this and therefore I am creating my own ecosystem of self-sabotage. So I need to take the pressure off, just take a step back, just breathe and work out what is realistic. What is realistic?

Speaker 2: 6:13

If you had a job where someone made you do something that you absolutely knew you couldn't handle, you would go into overwhelm, which would eventually lead to self-sabotage. You'd probably leave the job or you wouldn't go to the job. So it's exactly the same concept in business. You will just sit back and let yourself down in exactly the same way if it's too much. So what isn't too much is the question. What can I achieve? These are all the kind of things you can move yourself out of self-sabotage. What is it? I'm needing to be safe from what am I afraid of? What can I do? What is realistic? So this is the kind of what we call solutions-based questions that move us out of problem. Ie to oh, okay, I can do that. So if we said we can do one podcast, you could do one podcast a month, maybe, as as your new one you'd have said oh, I could do more than that. Excellent, off we go then. So we'd have moved you out, did you get it.

Speaker 1: 7:00

Yeah Well, that's exactly what I did. I decided I love this podcast the way it is. I didn't want to disrupt this I still talk about podcasting on this one but I was like I can understand why one that's purely about podcasting could be of value. So the new one is a serial podcast. I do 12 episodes, take a break, do another 12 episodes. It's not too much on my plate. So I love that.

Speaker 1: 7:20

And I also love what you said about. You know, again, it goes back to that childhood stuff and you know, this is why it's so important to work with a coach, because it just goes that bit deeper. It's just you don't realise the connections until you hear it out loud and when you turn around and said about the pressure that you put on yourself because maybe your parents didn't, I had none of that. My parents never pushed me to go to uni, never pushed me to do any. It was all self-imposed and I don't know whether there is anything way back there that you know needs to be. So I know when I sort of started pushing myself and it was from a good place, but somewhere along the line it maybe it twisted.

Speaker 2: 8:03

so maybe that's something for our next session it didn't twist, we twisted it, we made it mean something. We make stuff mean stuff that it doesn't mean. It's a bit like when someone says, oh, you look nice today, and they give you a little, maybe a little sign with their face. You're thinking, well, did I not look nice last time? You saw me then? Or what do you mean? I look nice today? Or you look well, you look well, that's the one we'll go. What does that mean? I put on weight? What do you mean? I look well, oh, is it my skin tone? Like we make it mean something. It doesn't mean.

Speaker 2: 8:28

We do that all the time because the brain is trying to work out what the problem is with everything. The job of the brain is to work out the problems and solve challenges. That's his job. Stay alive, procreate, you know, get warmth, shelter, love, connection and and stay alive. That is his job, that's all his job is. So that's what's running the show, unfortunately. So we have to intercept it at times. But yes, don't make me coach you on this, donna, I will. Don't make me go to where you've twisted it oh dear.

Speaker 1: 8:56

Okay, guys, so that was just like brilliant. I love it. Self-sabotage it's a big thing and I think and I don't know whether it is especially for women, but I, because I'm surrounded by women, I see a lot in women this self-sabotage. You know, I can't possibly whether it is especially for women, but because I'm surrounded by women, I see a lot in women this self-sabotage. I can't possibly run a successful business. I can't be like that guy over there and things like that. So definitely something to dig into. I will try and find that self-harm cycle freebie that Viv's got and link it down below. Obviously, you can go over to her website and binge all of the stuff that's over there. So do head over to the links in the show notes for those, and we will see you again in a couple of weeks with a new topic. So do join us then. Stop self-sabotaging. We can all do this, guys. Thank you so much for your time, viv, and we'll see you next time.